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Post by Crystal on Oct 12, 2007 10:52:20 GMT -5
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Post by Crystal on Jan 7, 2008 10:34:47 GMT -5
I am afraid I am still getting used to the married life. Being a wife is hard, and I so strongly desire Aqil's approval of my work as his wife. I do not want him to be disappointed in me, for he has been nicer than I had ever imagined. I make sure breakfast is ready for him in a timely matter, and lunch as well. If he is working, I will bring it to him. If there is anything I can do to help him, I will try to do it without him having to ask it of me. I try to make his favorite meals for dinner so that he will be pleased.
Only sometimes I am not sure of what to do, especially between lunch and dinner when the house has already been cleaned, there is no wash to do, and dishes have been cleaned. If we have everything we need for the house, I have no reason to go to market, and so I find myself sewing, and even breaking buttons off of old shirts just to put them back on again. I have made shirts for Aqil and Karam, and curtains for our windows, but I am sure houses only need so many curtains and men need only so many shirts. It is those times that I feel useless and I wish I could help with bigger projects around the house. I am not sure how Aqil would feel about that, though I suppose he has been kind about everything so far. He seems very progressive--I think that is the word I read in a book once. And I am thankful for that. I still have not asked him if he would object to me trying to learn something, perhaps with old school texts of Karam's or some books from the city, even the books Aqil used doing his studies. I just do not want to push it. I do not know where to boundaries lie.
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Post by Crystal on Mar 14, 2008 7:14:49 GMT -5
I have finally spoken with Aqil about my wish to learn more things. I gave him the books that I received from the people in the market last week. I kept them hidden for so long because I was not sure of how to approach him. But I gave them to him and he seemed to really enjoy them. I felt so happy and relieved to know that he approved of the books. I asked him if I might read them. He did not say yes or no, but he did say that if I wished to learn history and current events, that he might help me. He will be teaching other men, but he suggested that I could stay in the room to make a snack for them and listen. I am very grateful for this and I will never forget it. I am eager to learn, especially about things that interest Aqil. He even mentioned how he would like to have someone to speak with about such things, and to think that we might be able to do that...well, I am going to spend much time learning it so that I know it and he can be pleased. Karam brings newspapers every day, and I usually just place them in a drawer for him, but perhaps I will read them and know a few things beforehand. He did not approve of the book about how to fix small things around the home that the American woman said he might appreciate, but I am not upset about it. I was more worried that I had angered him, but he did not seem angry. History and politics and current events...Oh, I do hope I can learn many things from him and he will approve of me.
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Post by Crystal on Mar 17, 2008 13:00:39 GMT -5
I believe that my marriage with Aqil is growing, as I have been praying it would. I have been praying since our marriage was first arranged that we would be happy and it would be a good marriage. Allah has blessed us.
Aqil made a table set for me--well, for us. It is a beautiful new table with four chairs to match. I know that he worked very hard on it, and I had noticed it the other day in the workroom, but he had told me that he was going to sell it at the market. It was really a surprise for me. A gift. I cannot express how much I appreciated it and enjoyed it. I have brought out one of the table coverings that I made to put over it so that it does not get scratched. It was a very kind gesture of him. He even suggested that we have conversations at the table about the things we are learning--about government and current events. He mentioned 2 doctrines to me last night that he follows and would like to teach me. I am eager to learn about them. I have been looking through the history book that I brought home to him from the market and I have been looking through the newspaper. I feel as though I am already learning many things I was not aware of, but I know Aqil will teach me so much more.
Our marriage is different than what I expected at first, but I am so glad that it is. Aqil is not like his father and my father, and for that I thank Allah. I still want to please him, of course, and I want him to approve of me, but I am beginning to feel more comfortable with him. And I am beginning to care for Aqil much more. Is it silly of me to imagine having a "crush" on my own husband?
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Post by Crystal on Apr 14, 2008 11:15:33 GMT -5
I am frightened. I am scared for my family and, more importantly, I am scared for Aqil. I do not know what he is going through right now. Being arrested by the Mutaween...and there was a gun shot last night! I don't think Aqil was hurt by it, but what if he was? I was not able to see him before Mother rushed Amani and me out the back door with Karam. It was kind of Karam to stay with us and ensure our safety. I know that he wanted to help, but I do not think Aqil would have approved of it. Aqil is so thoughtful and brave. I pray that he is safe and that they will be generous enough to let him go, as well as Mr. Ataullah and my father. I wish there was a way that I could help. A way to convince them that Aqil is needed at home, so they must pardon him. What is there that I could possibly do though? I have been praying constantly and I could hardly sleep last night.
If Aqil is harmed or they don't let him return home...I don't know what I will do. I do not want to think about it but it is hard to keep those thoughts out of my head.
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Post by Crystal on Apr 15, 2008 9:28:50 GMT -5
Allah, forgive me for lying in front of a judge and in court. But I had to. It was absolutely necessary. Aqil's life was on the line. The judge saidthat he would probably be given the penalty of death! My heart dropped. I know that we do not know each other that well, but he is still my husband and I am happy with him. I would never want to see him be put to death. So, when I was able to talk in Aqil's favor, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind that could help him: I am pregnant with Aqil's child. And not just his child, but his first born son.
I know lying is wrong, and I know the punishment I could receive if they find out I was lying, but...this was important. It was the only way they would rethink the sentence. I pray that Aqil will not be angry with me for lying. He may think it very wrong of me, but I do hope he understands. And if he does not...well, that is a consequence that I will have to live with. At least he will be alive.
Of course, I am not sure of the judge's ruling yet. They will let us know. I pray that Allah is watching over us and protecting our loved ones, Aqil, my father, and Mr. Ataullah.
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Post by Crystal on Apr 16, 2008 9:08:46 GMT -5
Aqil will not be sentenced to death. That is the good news. Allah blessed my family and Aqil's family by protecting us. I was very nervous about the hearing, and I was not completely pleased with the outcome. Aqil will spend 90 days in jail and we will have to pay over 9,000 riyals for a fine. I am not even sure if we have 9,000 riyals. I will begin immediately to find out so Aqil does not have to worry. But 3 months in jail...that is a long time and I would be very frightened if I was in Aqi's position. I will visit him though, along with Karam and his mother. Karam tells me not to worry. He is so optimistic about things. I suppose it is a relief.
But there is bad news. I was not thinking at all when I spoke the lie about me being with child. It was all about making sure Aqil was not sentenced to death. I was not even able to speak with him and explain myself before he was taken away. I hope he understands. But, the bad news...now my father and Aqil's father believe I am pregnant with Aqil's son. How could I have not thought of the consequences with my father? Of course he would have found out that I had told the judge I was pregnant. I should have realized that. I cannot tell him that it was a lie--he would be so angry with me! I would be ashamed to admit it. How will I get out of this one?
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Post by Crystal on Apr 21, 2008 9:53:08 GMT -5
Faith.
What faith should I have? May Allah forgive me, but I am unsure just how much faith I have in the Saudi government. They have changed their ruling on Aqil's sentence because he attempted to escape. They say it is similiar to other situations of terrorist activity, but they have no proof! No proof at all! And they have sentenced him -- I cannot even write it.
Allah blessed me with a wonderful husband at a time when I was scared to get married by someone my father chose and now he will be taken away from me. Just like that. It is unfair. I have not understood just how unfair these judges, mutaween, and rulers can be until now. Aqil is innocent. He is a hafiz!
I do not know what to do. Mother says to have faith and I am trying so hard to believe that everything will be okay, but I know in the pit of my stomach that nothing will make them change their ruling. I have been praying constantly, but I am not sure if it is doing any good at all. I am so scared for him.
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Post by Crystal on Apr 29, 2008 10:40:42 GMT -5
I should never doubt my faith in Allah. Even in hard times when it seems as though all is lost, Allah is always there to see you through to the end.
Aqil was not executed. At least not to my knowledge. Karam had gone early to see if they would allow him to speak with Aqil first. He had been taking it so hard, and I think he even blamed himself for it. He went to see him, but apparently Aqil had escaped. How, I am not sure. That's all Karam knew--the guards were trying to find Aqil and it seems as though he has slipped through their fingers. Like he had disappeared.
I was beyond happy to hear this news. However, now I am beginning to worry. If he escaped, where did he go? I have found myself staying up later each day, just hoping that he will come here. Though I suppose he has no reason to come here. And I guess it would not be smart of him. The mutaween and other Saudi police have been here many times already. The other day, they went through the barn, throwing things around, trying to find him. They went in the house to try to find letters, anything to help them find him. They threw books around, tossed out papers. They did not find anything, but it took me the rest of the day to clean it all up. If Aqil -does- come back, I certainly do not want him coming back to a messy home. His home. But I'm scared that he has been caught again, or perhaps worse. I asked Karam if he knew anything, but he said he did not. I will continue to pray that he finds his way to safety.
Speaking of Aqil, Father has been asking me if I have seen a doctor about my "condition." I am scared of what will happen when he finds out that it was all a lie and I am not pregnant with Aqil's child. I cannot let him find out, but I can only put it off for so long.
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Post by Crystal on May 3, 2008 14:14:45 GMT -5
I do not know where I am or why I am here. I do not even know how I arrived here. Karam is with me. They are claiming to have Aqil, which I was very happy to hear, but they are not allowing us to see him. They told us that they wanted information from him, but I do not know what information that could possibly be seeking. And I do not understand why Karam and I were brought here, though I am happy to know that Aqil is at least alive.
They brought us to a room where the Princess Jacqueline was in. I have always wanted to meet her because while in the market, I always here such good things about her. I was confused as to why she was here. Are we in France? Are we at the palace? This place is certainly big enough. But what would they want with us? I wish I could have met her under different circumstances because I am so frightened. I do not know what they want and they do not answer many of our questions. The princess and her guest said they were there to make sure we were not harmed. Despite what they say though, I am scared. I want to see Aqil and I want us all to go back home.
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Post by Crystal on Aug 29, 2008 12:17:54 GMT -5
We are still in this...place. I am still frightened, but not as much as when we first arrived. Perhaps I am too tired to be frightened. Although I feel tired, I cannot sleep. I stay awake during the night, restless. I cannot find the urge to eat the food that they bring, though I am grateful for the gesture. I fear for my life, for Aqil and Karam's lives. It has allowed me to do a massive amount of thinking.
I miss my sister and my mother. I want to see them so badly. I imagine that they are here, mother reassuring us, Amani reading her books about wild adventures. If I ever see her again, I will find a way to get her every book she desires. I hope that Allah can forgive me though, but while I miss my mother and my sister so much, and while I fear for my death here, I also fear being sent back home. It is as if I could not feel comfortable with any option, I suppose. But it is a selfish reason for not wanting to go home, and Allah would not appreciate it, I'm sure. If I return though, everyone will know that I lied to the court about being pregnant with Aqil's son. Either I lied or lost the child, which would be even worse, not being able to carry a son to full term. I would be looked down at from the entire town and city. Also, if I return, father will continue looking for a man kind enough to take me and overlook the past circumstances. Speaking of that, I also fear for Amani's life. With what happened with Aqil and father's disapproval of that situation, I am afraid that father will find some man who is older for her. Who might mistreat her. I hope that does not happen though. Part of me is praying that Allah will interfere.
I want to be with Aqil, but I wish to see my mother and sister as well, at least to let them know I am okay. I will ask again if I may send a letter to them. Or maybe I might tell them my mother and sister may know something. Would they believe me? Maybe not...
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Post by Crystal on Aug 31, 2008 23:30:31 GMT -5
Allah has blessed us! He has heard our prayers.
Aqil, Karam, and I will be released, given what they call 'asylum,' which means we will be free of this prison. The organization here has offered to give us money, a home, a career path, and even an education here in France. In France! I have always wanted to visit France--not in this way, of course, but I think it will get better. We will not be returning to Saudi Arabia, and while that makes me very sad to think of never seeing mother and Amani, I have been told that I may write to them. I shall do that very soon and tell them that I am well and we are safe. Maybe Amani will be able to come visit. She would love travelling to another country if Father would allow it.
I am a little nervous though. Aqil says that France is very different than home and it will take a while to get accustomed to the culture and lifestyle here. I am unsure what sorts of things happen here. It is not an Islamic state, but I am not sure how other countries work. Will we be able to go to the market regularly? Will I need an escort there? Are they going to provide us with animals we need for our barn? Will we even have a farm? I am scared to ask such questions in case I sound ungrateful. I just wish I knew more about the country and how to live here. They say we will have career paths, but I am not sure what that means. Perhaps they meant Aqil and Karam because I am not sure what I would be able to do. I can sew very well. Maybe I will mention that, or Aqil will. It all seems very overwhelming, but I am just happy to know that we will be safe. Aqil will not be charged, my false testimony in court will not be held against me, and we will be free. It is frightening and exciting to think about, both at the same time. I am not sure when we will be able to leave and start our new life, but I hope it is soon. I have been praying to Allah. He has blessed us, and I know we have found favor in his eyes.
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Post by Crystal on Sept 4, 2008 10:03:55 GMT -5
I have been feeling much better lately, and I know part of it is because we are very close to moving to our new place. I am excited, but also very nervous. Ms. Beaumont has spoken to me about our new house and it will be a farm like we are used to back home. They are even going to provide us with livestock so that Aqil does not have to worry about purchasing some. I am afraid to ask if we can bring stuff from our old home, as they have offered so much to us already.
I spoke with Aqil and he told me that it would make him happy if I pursued an education here. I told him that I would and I have been thinking for days about what things I would study. Ms. Beaumont asked me what I would like to study, but I was not sure of the answer. I will have to talk to Aqil. She said that it was up to me, but Aqil is much smarter and perhaps he will know what would suit me and what I would enjoy. I am nervous and I hope that I do well so I can make Aqil happy.
Ms. Beaumont said that women here did not have to get permission to get an education here in France. The thought of that! She said that women have the exact same opportunities as men in this county. I cannot imagine that. Travelling without permission? Going to the market unsupervised? Alone? Receiving an education. The possibilities are endless. That makes me nervous as well. Will we be following those customs or the customs that we are used to? It all seems very overwhelming. Mother would be surprised, and Amani would love it. Perhaps in a little while, when we are moved in, I might ask if Amani could visit. I feel she would enjoy the freedoms here in France. It would be a grand adventure for her, just like in the books she reads. It would get her away from any marriage Father plans to arrange as well...
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Post by Crystal on Nov 6, 2008 11:06:27 GMT -5
((2010/2011))
I have not been feeling very well lately. I have missed two cycles already and I was beginning to worry. I knew what that meant, but I was not quite sure. I wanted to be positive, of course. I asked Aqil if he would come to the doctor with me. I thought perhaps if it -was- what I expected, then he would know then and I would not have to think of a way to tell him. We went to the doctor yesterday and she confirmed what I had been thinking--I'm pregnant. Part of me is very happy. I have always wanted to be a mother and I feel I am prepared and ready now. I am comfortable living in France now and being a wife. The other part of me is a little scared. I don't know what will happen. I just hope I am able to raise the child properly, along with Aqil. We do not know what it is yet. I hope that I am able to give Aqil a son. I think that would make him very happy. But I would be happy with a girl as well. He said that it did not matter which it was. I hope he was telling the truth. I am due in 7 months and there is so much to get done! I do not even know where to begin
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Post by Crystal on Nov 7, 2008 10:07:41 GMT -5
((2011))
Aqil and I went to the doctor and she was able to tell us the gender of our child. I would have been happy with either, of course, but part of me did want to make Aqil happy by giving him a boy. I do not truly know if it is important to him, but it is important to most men. I did not want to disappoint him. But the doctor said that we are having a girl. And I was very happy to hear that too because I have always wanted a little girl to raise. The best part is, Aqil did not seem upset by the news. I was grateful for that. It did not seem to bother him. I do not know why I was worried. He is not like my father. I know my father was upset by not having any boys. I would never think about telling my father, but I asked the doctor in an earlier appointment, in confidence, whether there is anything I could do to ensure it would be a boy, and she just laughed and said that it was already decided and that the men provide what gender the baby is, not the woman. I was astounded to hear such a thing. Sometimes men put all the blame on the woman for not giving them a son. I am going to tell my mother that. I think she would enjoy hearing it.
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((telling the parentsss))
I want to go back to France immediately. We were here to celebrate my pregnancy and future birth with our parents. I was so happy to see Mother. I have missed her more than anything. I wish she could come to France with us. She would enjoy it so much. Aqil told my father and his father that we were having a daughter, not a son. I knew my father would be upset, and he was. He took me aside later and told me it was my fault for not giving Aqil a daughter, that I should have been a better wife, and that Allah was punishing me by not giving Aqil a first born son because I had ran away with a man the Saudi nation viewed as a terrorist. I dared not tell him what my doctor had told me. He told me I better make amends with Allah immediately so that the next children are all sons. I wanted to cry. I simply nodded and apologized many times. I know that Aqil is not upset by not having a son, but part of me feared for a small moment that he secretly was. Maybe he was just holding his anger in. But I know that is not like Aqil. Having a daughter is not the end of the world, and Allah is not punishing us. He has blessed up in so many ways. I hope my father never lays eyes on my daughter because he is not welcome to. I hope Allah forgives me for that statement, but I feel strongly about it.
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Najah is growing up so quickly. She has mastered the art of crawling very well and now she is crawling everywhere. She is such a happy baby as well. She laughs at everything. Sometimes I walk her in her stroller around the yard outside or down the street a little ways and she always laughs when she sees the squirrels chasing each other or another animal. She enjoys being outside very much. She loves her father as well. Everyday when he comes home, she goes straight for him and reaches for him. And Aqil does not seem to mind. I do try to keep her quiet when he is around, but when she isn't, he does not get angry. After 4 years of marriage, I should understand that about Aqil. I have just been blessed so much in this marriage to Aqil, I fear that one day I will wake up and things will have changed. But I know that will never happen because I trust Aqil very much. He is a kind and caring person. And Najah trusts him, as she should. I cannot wait to see what type of person she grows up to be. I feel that her personality is growing everyday.
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