Aqil Hashim Ataullah

[Dewey]

Aug. 31, 07

Much can happen within five months. Karam has recovered remarkably well from his gunshot wound back in march. At first, we feared the worst, but he is young and strong, and he defied death and paralysis. What we could not defy, though, were the finances. The charges that accrued during Karam's stay in the hospital were outstanding. We are simple farmers in rural Riyadh, and could not possibly afford the city's prices, but we also could not afford debt and the collectors that go with such things. And I would never allow father to sell Karam into servitude to pay off the debt--something he came to me with, and something I immediately rejected. So I made a sacrifice on behalf of my family, and have agreed to a union with the Dajani family, or more specifically a marriage with Miss Dajani.

At first, the idea shocked me, as I've only recently turned eighteen and honestly had no intentions of marrying. My life was to be entirely devoted to Allah and masjid. However, Miss Dajani has a kind heart, and I do not believe she would present any problems in my walk with the Most Merciful. I do not know if I can offer her part of my heart, much less all of it, however. True to my nature, I have never spoken unless spoken to, and I by no means socialize with the women. I do not know the first thing about husbandry or fathering for that matter. Yet father and Mr. Dajani wish for us to conceive immediately (on the wedding night) and have many children.

I never considered having my own children. I always felt it was a pursuit not meant for me, yet now I am expected to bring three sons into this world. Worst of all, Miss Dajani is eager to marry and even more eager to bear children as soon as possible. If I refuse, I would shame my family, the Dajani family, and Miss Dajani would despise me for not playing my role as her husband.

I feel so overwhelmed. Above it all, there is Saif-Al-Din to consider. I have hesitated to move forward in the name of Allah because of the warrants still out. For the others, the bounty has been raised to 100 million riyals. For me, it has been raised to 200 million riyals. I do not want the others to think me cowardly, but now I understand we are not simply destroying the lives of others in this jihad--we are also risking our own lives.

[Dewey]

Sep. 07

September 1

Mother spoke with me over dinner, when it was just us two. She expressed herself in ways I've never known she felt, and I know the absence of my father in the kitchen encouraged that. She meant no disrespect to me or to Mr. Dajani or to father, but she wanted me to know Miss Dajani and her mother have concerns about the wedding. Miss Dajani is young and is anxious about marriage and bearing children. I always felt us too young, myself, but if father and Mr. Dajani are persistent in us conceiving immediately, I always said I would push my worries to the back of my mind.

I will, however, not do that at the cost of gaining Miss Dajani's resenment. I went to visit her; I snuck to the back of the house and tapped on her bedroom window. We spent time walking and talking and exchanging our concerns and fears. Mother was right; it did help take away some worries, or at least it made me feel more comfortable around Miss Dajani. It is still beyond me that the wedding is this week, but I think we have both accepted it, and at least are attempting to make the best of it.



September 2

A government building in Riyadh was bombed on August 31, and the mutaween immediately linked it to Saif-Al-Din. It is confirmed that seventeen individuals were killed in the incident, but bodies are still missing, and so that number could very well exceed twenty-five. My first reaction was denial. However, I then considered that the others have grown restless since our last assignment, and though I would never think them capable of maintaining enough disrespect to perform jihad without my approval, I do know they worry easily. My upcoming marriage has perhaps caused them much anxiety. Will Saif-Al-Din disband? Will I continue to lead them?

Yesterday I brought them all together in a cafe to discuss the event. Malik and Zahid had no part in it. To my very surprise, it was the one I would have least suspected: Karam. Karam, and Farooq naturally. Now, I did not underestimate them because I believe them incapable. No, it was because Karam is my younger brother, and I have always done everything in my power to protect him and shield him from the grim reality of Saif-Al-Din. Yet now I realize I have truly misled him, and I have truly made my brother into something Allah never meant for him. How do I ask forgiveness for this? I will have to speak with Karam later.

I went to Miss Dajani for counsel, but more so to get it all out of my head and organize my thoughts. She said Karam perhaps seeks reassurance, so it is something I have considered throughout the day. We also spoke more of the wedding night, and I told her it should only be shared by those who love each other. I hope she was not offended or hurt by my words. Maybe in time, we will come to love one another, but I cannot partake of a gift from the Most Merciful without having authority to that gift. A ceremony and license are not authority to me.

[Dewey]

((2011))

We are with child. Farrah and I. I must be honest, I did not expect this to be the reason for our visit to the doctor's today. I, of course, understand how our bodies work. I suppose it is only natural that this has happened. We have begun to share in the Most Merciful's blessings toward a husband and wife, and this is to be expected. Still, I cannot help but be fearful. I always wished to be an imam at masjid, and never intended on marrying, and therefore never intended on fathering. At twenty-one nearing twenty-two, I feel ill-equipped. I cannot simply ask assistance from Father or Mr. Dajani, either, as their traditional ways are unsuitable to my own beliefs. Farrah is pleased, however. I knew she was nervous about revealing the news, but I did not want her to feel that way. I do not want her to fear me, as I'm sure Mother and Mrs. Dajani fear their own husbands. I wish for Farrah to know that her opinions and judgment and feelings matter to me. She is most excited, and I will ensure she remains that way.



Today, we visisted our parents in Saudi Arabia. They wanted to celebrate with us as we prepare to welcome a child into the world. However, Father and Mr. Dajani were most displeased to learn that the child's gender is, in fact, female. One may imagine I, a hafiz, was most displeased as well. However, I was not. Farrah is eager to raise a daughter. She is happy. Therefore, I am happy. The child's gender is of no consequence to me. Whether male or female, he or she will prove to be a faithful muslim. Allah has truly blessed us. I am happy to see Him keep Farrah's happiness well.